I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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