There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
