Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
