Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
wow bdsm is so cute
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
