Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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