You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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