for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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