My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
