hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
