so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
