Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
