I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
