In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
