I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
