just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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