So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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