the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
