margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
