dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
