I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
