Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
