Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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