At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
