You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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