I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
