Your dad touched me again.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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