I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
