Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
