tell your sister to shave her snatch
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize