Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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