my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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