Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize