I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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