Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
