goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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