I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
