Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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