If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
