Soap is not a condiment
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
