On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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