No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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