If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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