weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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