he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we made out on top of his cat.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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