Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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