the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize