even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
