fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
