That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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