I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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