ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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