And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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