dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
