True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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