my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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