I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
