happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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