Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
