my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
