So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
