his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
