The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize