it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
