I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
