I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
