I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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